MCB CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. -- Shame is a big deal in our world today. How many times as a kid did you hear “Shame on you” but never “Shame off you?” Shame is something that sticks to us like honey. It affects how we see ourselves and how we relate to others around us. Shame says “You don’t matter” or “You are less valuable” or “He is a loser” or “She is a failure.” Shame affects our identity in a negative way.
Guilt is different from shame in that we feel guilt when we do something wrong. However, guilt gives us a way to make amends or correct what wrong we have done. Guilt is motivated to overcome by repairable means. If I broke one of my brother’s toys, either I fixed it or I gave them mine. Guilt does not usually stick with us, as long as we have taken the effort to make a repair.
Shame says “You are such a brat.” “Stop being a bully.” “I can’t believe I keep you around.” “I can’t stand you.” “You are fat.” Do you see the difference? The variance is a personal attack that shame brings to the table in a negative way. Shame almost never brings about a positive result.
When shame is all we know, we fight against it. When we inherit or experience shame, we dole it out to others. It may be all you know. Shame is often experienced from a power person or a group that calls another group derogatory or even hateful names. Sometimes we feel we can get on top of shame by being better, embracing perfectionism. But that is a false hope, because imperfect people will never be flawless.
There are ways to heal from shame. Healing says, “I am not perfect, but that is OK.” “That negative title says more about them than me.” “That’s not true.” Faith can give us tools to overcome the effects of toxic shame. Believing that I am better, that I can get better doesn’t let the past hold onto me and keep me captive.
Honor is different in an encouraging way. Honor says things like “You matter.” “I like having you around.” “You are Awesome!” Honor has the other’s best interest in mind, and even seeks to build up the other person with value and significance.
Gratitude is a tool that helps us focus on others. Gratitude says things like, “Thanks for helping me with that.” “I appreciate you.” When we choose to be thankful, we can see the blessing instead of the burden. Gratitude helps us reframe an undesirable experience in a constructive way.
Positive relationships help us experience the world in a welcoming way. Hugs from a trusted friend deliver affirmative currency. Positivity helps us learn and grow. Forgiveness can help us let go of past pain.
If you are looking to grow out of shame and into honor, talk to your Chaplain.
The Chaplain’s Corner covers everything faith related. Facts not attributed are purely the opinion of the writer.